[ during the past few entries... ]

I've noticed an increasing amount of anger in what I've been posting here. I'm not all that angry, I swear. I'm just frustrated...in many ways. Everyone has their own life shit, and well, this is mine:

1) I am, in so many words, extremely sexually frustrated.
In one of my previous lives I'm pretty sure that I was either a pornstar or a prostitute. In another life I was a pickpocket, and in the one before that, I was a ninja. But anyway - I'm just a really horny person. I like sex. I like porn. "Then go have sex!" you say. Oh, it's not that simple. ):

The reason I have to abstain (most of the time) is due to my preacher boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I love him, and that's why I don't have loads of promiscuous sex (well, him and fear of STDs/AIDS). But I think I might be a less frustrated person, if we could just have sex. It's an act of love, and he wants to wait until we get married. Which could be up to 4 years. Imagine it. Waiting 4 years to have sex when you've already had it. Damn it.

The average sexual peak for a female is what...during her 20's? It's days like this when I feel I'm wasting my youth/need to sew up my vagina.

2) General boredom with life.
I have friends. I hang out. But this wasn't the plan that I originally had for my life. The 'original' plan consisted of traveling to Europe and writing. I find each day that the things I'm pursuing I enjoy less and less. At the tedious age of 21, I should be having fun, and I'm not. I have a great time when I'm with my friends, but I'm not really looking forward to anything right now.

This summer, I'll be staying at home, taking classes and volunteering at the pharmacy. I'm not going on vacation, and God knows that I need to get out of Virginia for a little bit.

3) I've started to drink, a little bit.
I'm not a raging alcoholic...yet. But I feel like I can laugh at more things when I'm slightly inebriated. It's a false sense of joy, I realize, but I suppose it beats being slightly sad all the time. I've determined my favorite rum is Bacardi (thank you, Marco Peatina <3), my favorite wine is Brachetto (thank you, Italian aunt), and three favorite beers are MGD Ultra, Blue Moon, and Purple Haze (thank you, Broken Egg Bistro).

I won't drink every day due to the fact that I worry about getting a 'beer belly.' Don't know what I'll do about it when I move home.

In General:
4) Somedays, I just want to say what I'm thinking without having to worry what people will think about me.

5) I just want to go dance...

6) My friends here keep me alive more than they realize.

7) Fucking hell - the girl in the other room is having sex right now. FML much?

8) I've resorted to eating frozen pizza and cereal since my food money is so low, and I can't give up coffee. ):

9) I've started packing my things, but I don't want to go home just yet.

10) I have to go shopping before I move home. My grandmother told me last weekend she thought I looked frumpy. :| I guess I need to do something with my hair too.

11) Bleh...

[ i need to... ]

... go to new york city.

or just somewhere that's not here or home.

btw, preacher boyfriend just pissed me off really bad by trying to diss Jay Z.

"what's with that post about jay z? you know he talks about God not being able to save people!"

(i'm going to pretend it didn't happen. it was just...ignorance. i wanted to vomit. this is what happens when things are taken out of context, and people don't fucking read)

somedays...

i think it's time for a change.

but what would i do? i couldn't go through with it.

-----

i visited my fiction writing professor from last semester today. he's really nice guy and he's smart, plus he has idea of what it's like to try to do something career-wise to make a parent happy. i showed him the piece i wrote about my grandma, and as always, he was really supportive of my writing, even going so far as to say that the last piece barely needed revision. he's laid back and creative, but he had the brain power to be something like...an accountant or a mathematician. he liked writing and teaching. that's what he does now - and he does it well.

i mean, writing - it's something that i like to do - even though i'm not always 100% confident with it. but i don't piss out creativity. it takes work.

i feel that in order to get the shit straight in my head, i have to go somewhere.

...run off for a little bit.

get it?