[ finals week ]

That type of shit will fuck you up.

I'm an alcoholic.

My lip hasn't fully healed yet.

I should be studying 24/7 right now, but I value my sleep too much to give a damn.

osidsodijga;lh

can't write this fucking article

just don't give a shit anymore!!!

[ during the past few entries... ]

I've noticed an increasing amount of anger in what I've been posting here. I'm not all that angry, I swear. I'm just frustrated...in many ways. Everyone has their own life shit, and well, this is mine:

1) I am, in so many words, extremely sexually frustrated.
In one of my previous lives I'm pretty sure that I was either a pornstar or a prostitute. In another life I was a pickpocket, and in the one before that, I was a ninja. But anyway - I'm just a really horny person. I like sex. I like porn. "Then go have sex!" you say. Oh, it's not that simple. ):

The reason I have to abstain (most of the time) is due to my preacher boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I love him, and that's why I don't have loads of promiscuous sex (well, him and fear of STDs/AIDS). But I think I might be a less frustrated person, if we could just have sex. It's an act of love, and he wants to wait until we get married. Which could be up to 4 years. Imagine it. Waiting 4 years to have sex when you've already had it. Damn it.

The average sexual peak for a female is what...during her 20's? It's days like this when I feel I'm wasting my youth/need to sew up my vagina.

2) General boredom with life.
I have friends. I hang out. But this wasn't the plan that I originally had for my life. The 'original' plan consisted of traveling to Europe and writing. I find each day that the things I'm pursuing I enjoy less and less. At the tedious age of 21, I should be having fun, and I'm not. I have a great time when I'm with my friends, but I'm not really looking forward to anything right now.

This summer, I'll be staying at home, taking classes and volunteering at the pharmacy. I'm not going on vacation, and God knows that I need to get out of Virginia for a little bit.

3) I've started to drink, a little bit.
I'm not a raging alcoholic...yet. But I feel like I can laugh at more things when I'm slightly inebriated. It's a false sense of joy, I realize, but I suppose it beats being slightly sad all the time. I've determined my favorite rum is Bacardi (thank you, Marco Peatina <3), my favorite wine is Brachetto (thank you, Italian aunt), and three favorite beers are MGD Ultra, Blue Moon, and Purple Haze (thank you, Broken Egg Bistro).

I won't drink every day due to the fact that I worry about getting a 'beer belly.' Don't know what I'll do about it when I move home.

In General:
4) Somedays, I just want to say what I'm thinking without having to worry what people will think about me.

5) I just want to go dance...

6) My friends here keep me alive more than they realize.

7) Fucking hell - the girl in the other room is having sex right now. FML much?

8) I've resorted to eating frozen pizza and cereal since my food money is so low, and I can't give up coffee. ):

9) I've started packing my things, but I don't want to go home just yet.

10) I have to go shopping before I move home. My grandmother told me last weekend she thought I looked frumpy. :| I guess I need to do something with my hair too.

11) Bleh...

[ fuck dis shit. ]

i have a fucking headache.

it's so bad that i'm presently wearing sunglasses indoors.

i have a test to take in an hour and a half, and the fucking fluorescent lights will irritate me even further. let's not mention the sunlight. goddamn you, sunlight.

idiot roommate decided to stay here last night because she was too lazy to drive .5 miles to go to her boyfriend's house. therefore, she was up until 3 a.m. doing nothing. i had to get up at 7.

i have not had sufficient sleep.

all i want is a dark, quiet 70 degree room, and a clean bed.

but that's too much.

piano fire.

this fucking sucks.

i am depressed/unhappy/stressed out/tired/probably PMSing.
i literally hate everything that i have going on right now. but i can't get out of it.

i came to college wanting to be a writer. i wanted to travel/study abroad. i wanted to see amazing things, drink, have adventures, and take pictures. lots of and lots of pictures. i just wanted to have a good time.

but:

i don't know what the hell is wrong with me right now.
i don't know who to talk to about it because it's just all really unreasonable once i speak. but it makes sense in my head.

i want to be destructive in some form. break a plate, a glass, just fucking smash things. but i don't want to bother to clean the mess.

maybe this is what being in a box is like.

i have so much to take care of in the next 2.5 weeks, and i'm haunted by the thought that i might just let everyone down.

i just see everyone a little happier than i can even pretend to be sometimes.

there is some part of me that's screaming right now, but that part is always on mute.

my GOD.

when did i get so fucked up...

i went back to my old school last weekend with my friend Christina, and some part of me just got sick being in there again. some things have changed in there and won't ever be the way they were when i was there. all of my teachers have gotten older.

i don't know what i'm going through right now.

i see people with such beautifully simple lives, and i wonder why i can't be like that. why do i overthink everything like i do?

whywhywhywhy.

goddammit.

i'm running away.

[ frustration loomin' ]

ugh

i want to smoke.

so badly.

fuck this homework.

and i'm tired.